Remember the cartoons about circuses where some tiny white poodle climbs up a rickety ladder to some absurd height and then dives from the platform plunging down 50 feet plopping into a bucket of water,  and miraculously emerges drenched and shaking, but alive???  

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Four years ago I moved  my parents into my home from out of state and I had no idea what I was in for.  I had already been commuting back and forth between two states helping them out every month and thought I understood what it meant to have them move in, but I was wrong. My world was transformed over night.   My home descended from a quiet, two adult, no children, schedule free, responsibility free household to nursing home meets traveling-circus over night, 

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For the first few months I was certain I had made a big mistake.  I was trapped with a diabetic, hypertensive, A type, depressed, stuck-in-his-ways  88 year old father and a controlling, needy, disoriented, frustrated, LOUD, insomniac mother with dementia.  I felt overwhelmed, stressed, resentful, guilty , selfish, terrified, cornered, angry, clueless, sleep deprived, crazy,  vulnerable, alone and plain old depressed.  So I did what millions of caregivers do, I had a meltdown and tore off my top hat and stomped out of the big tent. If my mother was losing her mind, she wasn’t going to take me with her,  But  a few hours later, I put my crumbled top hat back on, put on some makeup and headed back to the three ring circus, because that what we reluctant ring leaders do.

 

Today, four (long!) years later, the dementia circus is going more smoothly. I’ve accepted the constant spotlight of responsibility.   I’ve learned how to juggle while smiling and put on a pretty good show most days, but  when the lights go out and the tent is quiet,  I can still feel overwhelmed, resentful, guilty.  For the most part I feel incredibly grateful because I know I am not alone and I am no longer clueless.  I’ve gotten support,  knowledge and therapy from other caregivers who’ve been juggling  longer than I have.  I have reliable, responsible caregivers who have eased my load tremendously and most importantly I have a partner who supports me and cheerleads me when I’m down supplies to muscle for lifting someone off the floor in the middle of the night or into a wheelchair with never a complaint.

 

I want to pass on some of the things I learned and keep learning from those out there with the knowledge only experience can bring.  I want to help the other families and public see the day to day challenges of what caregivers go through. Most importantly   I want to laugh and cry together at the absurd spectacle of this insidious disease .  Like all good troupes  we can rely on each other,  inspire each other,   rehearse  the hard parts.  

 

Together we can keep the balls in the air...